When You Are Truly Listened To, You Want to Come Back For More!
Today someone different cut my hair. Until now the same person did it every 4–5 weeks for 22 years. She did not die. I had to fire her. She continues to cut many heads each week. What passed away is her ability to listen to what I need.
On my final visit she listened as well as a mannequin.
Hearing
Sound enters our ears and our auditory system either processes it for the present, stores it for later, or sends it down the drain out of our brains. The vast majority of information we hear ends up in the sensory sewer system. Flushed away by multi-tasking patterns that support our agenda of insulating our own unfinished business.
Think about it. How many times have you truly listened to what someone is saying because (a) you’re composing a rebuttal, (b) You find yourself bored and uninterested, or (c) you felt your smartphone vibrate, and a text or tweet is more important than the tripe coming from the person’s mouth.
My final visit to my former hairdresser went something like this:
Hairdresser: So have a seat. Man, I’m gassed today. I’ve cut 7 heads and it’s almost lunch time. I’ve got 8 more this afternoon.
Me: You’ve been busy. That’s a good thing…
Hairdresser: Yeah I guess. Last week I was on vacation in Cozumel and got tipsy every day by early afternoon. Of course then it was siesta time. Yep last week about this time I was taking a siesta. No siesta today.
She hasn’t cut one hair yet and is putting on and taking off different guides on the electric trimmer.
Me: So I guess I want…
She interrupts: So next time we go I want to take my granddaughter (who is 9). My husband is taking me to New York for my birthday in August. That’s the only way I can get him to take me to New York.
She’s about to cut and the phone rings. She speaks Spanish to a potential customer. After she highlights her vacation for 2–3 minutes the customer sets an appointment for tomorrow at 3 p.m. (I’ve learned some Spanish from Latino soccer parents). I’ve been in the chair for 9 minutes and she has not started cutting nor has she asked how I want it cut. I have spoken about 11 words. She has uttered several hundred.
Your wasted words seem so absurd…and will never be heard. Gregg Allman
Finally, she cuts and chatters for 3 minutes and the phone rings again. Another long conversation this time with her daughter. I know her daughter because she used to play soccer with my daughter. After the hairdresser hangs up, she talks about her grand kids, and how their fathers who both are in jail, suck pond scum. Finally she finishes with my head after 50 minutes. Somewhere in there she said, “so we’re doing the usual?” I nod, but what I wind up with is not “the usual.”
Listening
Hearing does not involve consistent attention to the person speaking. Hearing occurs in the midst of other activity. We call it multi-tasking. Listening is all about focus and noticing what the person says and how he or she says it. The fancy word these days is attunement. If I listen to you, I do so and attend not only to your words, but also your body language, your energy, and other nonverbal information.
By doing this I affirm you in that I am watching and noticing, yet, most of all, interested in what you are conveying. And that’s it. You as a person are worthy of another human being listening without distraction. Someone tuned in to what you and your body are communicating. Kind of like a gentle grandmother does with her young grandchild.
I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.
Ernest Hemingway
My former hairdresser used to listen in a way that resembles my description above. When I listen, I express some aspect of acceptance and approval hearing cannot provide. The notion they matter, or what they have to say means something, is endearing to most people. This sets the table for you and I to connect in an empowering and supportive manner. Depending on the context this might happen for a moment, or perhaps longer and with increased frequency.
So I walked into a barbershop. I’ve been told by a friend this is a great place to get a haircut. A fellow named Phillip offers to cut my hair. I sit down and he asks how I want it cut? He tells me a bit about himself and asks how my day has been? Rather than the usual fine, I tell him briefly about my day. He asks a question that indicates he was listening, and at a couple of points while he’s working he stops and spins me around in the chair for feedback. If it’s looking like what I’d asked for? It does.
In the past 5 days I’ve received a half dozen compliments on my haircut. I gave his card to some of these people. In listening to him I gathered he is new at the barbershop as the other barbers had customers in their chairs, and people waiting for them. He did not. I will go back to Phillip in 5 weeks expecting to listen and be listened to.
